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raybear | |
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I had an agitating night at work. And then minorly miserable things kept happening to me on the way home, the types of things that make you feel bad about yourself, not at other people, like I kept being tested and I kept failing as a worthy human being. And now I'm home and so cranky I don't know what to do with myself. I wish I could just go to bed angry, but its the one emotion that does not seem to induce a tendency towards wanting to sleep it away. I will probably lie in the middle room with the dog and listen to the rain for awhile. But first, I will type out a poem in honor of the occasion. PoemHate is only one of many responses true, hurt and hate go hand in hand and why be afraid of hate, it is only there think of filth, is it really awesome neither is hate don't be shy of unkindness, either it's cleansing and allows you to be direct like an arrow that feels something out and out meanness, too, lets love breathe you don't have to fight off getting in too deep you can always get out if you're not too scared an ounce of prevention's enough to poison the heart don't think of others until you have thought of yourself, are true all of these things, if you feel them will be graced by a certain reluctance and turn into gold if felt by me, will be smilingly deflected by your mysterious concern - Frank O'Hara That phrase nails the part about some emotions that frighten me -- the "getting in too deep". I can always get out. Right? Right. I have to keep telling myself that though. What is line between a small amount of slow growing poison and what is the feeling that needs to be ridden out so it will pass? Maybe I'll do what I did as a kid, and throw myself on the bed and rage into the pillow until I get weary, then pick up a book and start reading and forget why I was mad in the first place. I found Alison Bechdel's Fun House at the library the other day and I finished my other book tonight, so maybe I'll start that. Tags: poem, shaking my fist, uncle frank
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vuzh | |
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. Today I:
- Was late for work due to a very long train which was passing by at a speed no faster than a person walking slowly. Wikipedia suggests this is about 2 or 3 miles per hour. There has been a BNSF roadcrew working the Northern Colorado roads installing new rails and ballast, and currently the road crew is staging out of the siding in Berthoud, and freight trains are stopping for the day just outside of town by the underpass, so this may have something to do with the slow speed, maybe the train just started up? Maybe there are speed limits when passing road crews. Whatever. I was 10 minutes late due to that big pig. "I CAN'T BREAK AWAY!!!" Remember Big Pig? They were awesome. OK, they weren't.
- Tried to use my arm more than I have for the last seven months because the Doctor put me on full duty. I didn't do anything close to as intense as the work I was capable of doing before the injury, but I still am currently feeling a great amount of soreness. If the doctor is going to be as aggressive as she was last time, she's going to say "So what? People get sore." The difference is that I may not in reality be able to continue doing my work. We're at the point in the process of my worker's comp claim when the insurance company (through its vessel the doctor) tells me to fuck off.
- Thought about just how much of my day and how much of my thoughts are occupied dealing with my injury. Clearly, it is so much a part of my life, that it could be said that it is part of my identity.
- Did some work on the masters, torching (and a little drilling!) for the new train (which is almost exactly like a train we've already put out), the new caboose, and a piece which involves some seals lazing around on a buoy in the ocean.
- Had a short discussion with Scott about our most hated misuses of English. One of his was the use of "axe" instead of "ask". Mine were "would of/should of" instead of "would've/should've" and "Hail Satin!" instead of "Hail Satan!". Oh, and also the very weird pronunciation of words like "Kitten" or "Cotton" without pronouncing the "T"... something like "Kih'In" or "Coh'In" I really don't even know how to spell the way they're pronounced. Not that I speak or write English properly, but I still have right to take offense at people's stupidity, OK? It's my right as a Murcin.
- Made boxes for new molds on a new piece which is a boy & girl hippo dressed up like 20's Chicago gangsters. Scott poured the rubber.
- Came home. Mowed the lawn. Trimmed the edges. Wore shorts. The rain last night made mowing a little easier.
- Watched a little TV. That gameshow with Howie Mandel is just about the sleaziest, ickiest, fake-est thing I've ever seen. They showed clips of it on the "most outrageous moments" show thing.
- Rocked out to Ellen Allien!
- Worked a little bit on mastering for new music.
Current Music: Ellen Allien - Berlinette - Augenblick
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rachelkj | |
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Looking out of the airplane window,I suddenly realize that a pale blue light lines the northern horizon, even at midnight. Looking more closely, I see the edge of it is tinged with the dimmest red, the faint fire of an eternal dawn.
I'm in Alaska. I think it will take a bit to soak in that I'm not just going back to Portland after this, but it's only been a few days. I actually thought it would be light outside at 1 am, but that was before the plane started descending. Ground level and 34,000 feet are two very different places.
Anyway, for reasons that only make sense in airport-logic, I had to go south to LA before going north to Alaska. LAX is kind of confusing and their water tastes funny. Alaska is more expensive than the lower 48. Standard price for a vegetarian dish at a thai restaurant is around $11 instead of $8. I really like the air here. It's cool and clean and crisp.
I haven't done a lot here so far. I wandered a little while Kassi went to a doctor's appointment, then we had lunch and went to old navy so I could look at swimsuits for later this summer. It's good to see her again. I'm not super sure what I'm doing for the next few days, but on Friday Kassi & I are going on a road trip down the Kenai Peninsula.
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